Failed Idea #113: Freezer-Burn Pizzas

Who doesn’t love pizza? From the cheesy exterior filled with the luscious toppings to the doughy- sometimes cheese-filled crust, pizza is loved all around the world (mostly by drunk frat guys and equally drunk sorority girls).

“After we make out, then throw up, we’re getting Dominos!”

So what better way to celebrate pizza than by hand-crafting and freezing our own pies? My associate and I both agreed that the frozen pizza market is just waiting to be tapped into, but we don’t want to be just like the others. I mean, you’ve got DiGorno, Freschetta, Tombstone, Red Barron, Tony’s, and the list goes on and on. And each one offers relatively the same thing- low to moderate quality pizza with maybe 3 different types of toppings.

Correction: Four different toppings if you consider “planking douchebag” a topping.

But here’s where our pies are special. We’ll make the standard cheese, pepperoni, and supreme pizzas, but ours come pre-burnt! That’s right. With our line of “Freezer-Burn Pizzas”, you’ll no longer need to stumble to the oven in a drunken bachelor stupor to throw in a pizza and accidentally leave it in there for four hours while you pass out on the couch and the house burns down around you. Now, you simply open the packaging, set it out on the counter, and wait for the thing to thaw. And you won’t need to worry about your nosy cat trying to eat it, cause the damn thing is virtually inedible.

Hungry?

The downside to this idea is that technically every single frozen pizza company has us beat with their microwavable pizzas. We don’t quite have the same money to throw at this idea that DiGorno has. Oh well, if you’ll excuse me, I have at least 200 slices-worth of burnt cheese and pig flesh to scrape out of my oven.

Pictured Above: A pre-burnt garbage Frisbee.

-James

Failed Idea #14: Build-A-Sloth Workshops

Have you ever sat alone at night, crying in the darkness, wishing someone would reach their furry little paw out to you and caress your back with his manly, yet delicate arm? As saxophone music gently wafts across the cool air of your bedroom, you reach down and pick up your hand-made furry friend, and let its undying love gently rock you into the sweet peace of slumber. Then you probably end up having a weird freak nightmare about penguins (the true enemies of the animal kingdom) and wake up screaming and bleeding or something, but whatever. The important part is your trusty Build-A-Sloth buddy is always there for you!

“But what if I don’t like sloths,” you ask? Well, then don’t come to my store! Besides, what is wrong with you anyway? Don’t like sloths… can you really look this guy in the eye and say “I don’t like you”? I know I can’t!

“I ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong.”

There is just one downside to this lovable cute pet, though. PETA has taken a pretty hard-line stance against portraying Sloths in cotton and fabric form. It has something to do with a correlation between wanting to hug something and wanting to eat it. I don’t get it, either. But because my associate and I refuse to pay the dozens (literally dozens) of pesos in legal fees, this idea is shelved until further notice. Guess you’ll just have to continue going to your teddy bear for consolation.

Scientifically proven to be not as cute or friendly as a baby sloth.

Sleep well, America… sleep well…

As an aside, for the record, sloths are better than bears because they have the ability to fly. It’s a fact. I saw it on youtube. So don’t even tell me I’m wrong. Cause… you’re wrong.

-James

Failed Idea #28: Space Jam: The Musical

Paul McCartney… I think.

“I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day- spread my wings and fly away.”
These weren’t just the inspirational words of Monkeys frontman, Paul McCartney (pictured). These were words that a generation grew up on. Why, I remember being a young lad of 12 sitting in front of my telly watching “The Boy Who Could Fly” and thinking it was a documentary. 14 years and 52 hospital visits later, I still live by these words today. (I also take lots and LOTS of medication to make the voices go away.) When we were young, we all believed anything could happen. Close your eyes and wish really hard, and you too could fly, or stay up all night, or eat candy for dinner, or shave. Whatever your heart’s dream was, it could come true if you wished hard enough!

Dan Akroyd – Actor and Paranormal Genius

So my associate and I were thinking, what better way to memorialize such a pivotal part of our collective childhoods than to take the ever-beloved children’s film Spice World Space Jam, and turn it into a musical? The film was a multi-million dollar effort put out by Warner Bros. in the mid 90’s, and was much more than a cartoon cash-in that was there to further stroke the massive ego of basketball superstar (and baseball benchwarmer) Michael Jordan. After all, the film taught us teamwork, good sportsmanship, and the fact that Bill Murray was not Dan Akroyd. Space Jam made kids feel like anything was possible. If Michael Jordan could help the Looney Tunes (and Lola Rabbit… seriously, where did she come from? And who decided to name her “Lola”?) overcome their troubles with the Mon-stars, then why couldn’t we overcome our troubles with that jerk Adam Becker in the 8th grade who used to steal our lunch money and make us eat rocks instead? And maybe I WANTED to “keep hitting myself”, Adam! Did you ever think of that? Huh?

“Hollywood thinks people still like me! lolz!”
~Matthew Broderick

Anyway, clearly this is one of the best ideas ever conceived. We would make the obvious casting choice of Seal to play the role of Michael Jackson Jordan, while the Loony Tunes characters would all be played by popular* actor** Matthew Broderick, of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off“, “Godzilla“, and “The Lion King” (that last one just blew your mind a little, didn’t it?) .

However, there’s just one problem. When we attempted to contact Seal, we were met with a cacophony of squaks and squeals. Apparently Seal, while a talented R&B genius, is also a zoo animal. I’m not sure how that slipped under the radar, but it’s true. Still, he is quite a talented musician. Not to mention, how did a water-dwelling ocean-dog like Seal ever marry a babe like Heidi Klum- aka the Claudia Schiffer to Kate Moss’ Cindy Crawford (and I just ran out of supermodel names).

Anyway, there’s a good chance this one could get made- at least into an “On Ice” sort of spectacle. And really, would you want to see Seal and Matthew Broderick any other way? Me neither!

-James

Failed Idea #127: Reverse Snuggies

So we had this brilliant idea to take the ever-popular Snuggies, reverse them, and then re-sell them as “ROBES” (Reverse Observable Breathable Everyday Suit). Imagine what you can do with a “ROBES”! You could wear it to the beach! You could wear it to your kids’ hockey games! You could wear it while walking your dog! The ideas are boundless! Given that your average Snuggie costs a hair under $10 on Amazon, we could sell these bad boys for $10.01, and make a hefty profit. Good idea? I think so.

Here’s the caveat… we can’t guarantee that the “ROBES” will keep anyone warm by a campfire, or while reading a book on a stormy night. Grandma might also have trouble warding off the cold hand of death wearing our patented “ROBES” technology.
That and we forgot to account for the amount of money Amazon takes from each sale on top of the fact that the US Post Office doesn’t ship things for free anymore. Thanks a lot, Obama!

Well, at least we’ll keep our entrepreneurial spirit alive and kicking for a little while longer, and our stylish “ROBES” will help keep us warm (and oh so sexy).

-James